[Ali_01]

Salam,


I’ve joined this forum today and I’m in need of some serious help and guidance from my fellow Muslim brothers and sisters. Unfortunately this thread revolves around a relationship but it’s such that is causing me a massive blow in my life for reasons that I will now unfold:

I was in a love (boyfriend/girlfriend) relationship with a Muslim girl for two years. (I shall address her as Lady A). I will be honest to admit that after the first year of our relationship we got deeper resulting in us having a premarital relationship.

About 8 months ago Lady A informed me that her family were looking around to getting her married. Obvious I informed my parents of my affection for Lady A and so we went down to her house. Her parents rejected me after our visit because they were of a higher caste.

I then left it to Lady A to win her parents over and I told her that when she did I would convince my parents to go over to her house again. Now to cut the long story short Lady A’s parents kept denying her and in turn they found a potential guy of their caste who is a friend of their family. They told her to marry him but she repeatedly refused and then they started threatening her, blackmailing her and being all emotional with her. Eventually her parents said to her that if she married this guy, stayed with him a few months then she could divorce him and marry me.

Now I constantly told Lady A not to marry this guy. If she did I would never take her back. I told her this would be a betrayal to me. I told her to win her parents over so I could bring my parents back to her house. I even mustered the courage myself to see her dad personally on my own but he fobbed me off saying that other members of his family would be angered and upset if he gave his daughter to me - obviously I couldn’t outline the physical relationship I had with his daughter!

Anyway Lady A got married 2 months ago and she had told me on the night before! I was shocked, upset and angry and decided to leave her be!

Now from the day of her marriage up until today she is constantly trying to get in touch with me. This has resulted in me changing all my contact details other than my email address. She is sending me large numbers of emails on a daily basis- saying things like she has not consummated the marriage- that she is sleeping on the floor - her husband is on the bed. She is telling me there are problems already in her marriage and she argues with her husband and vice versa. On several occasions as I have left my home address she has been parked in her car a road away waiting for me and she will follow me in order to discuss “a potential future”. This is now become an absolute nightmare for me- something out of the movie fatal attraction with Michael Douglas!

I’ve told her that I’ll never accept her back now due to her dishonesty and she should make her marriage work. She keeps telling me her family have said stretch the marriage out for about 6 months and then she can divorce. I’ve told her that I feel she’s played games with me to which she’s taken many oaths proclaiming that her marriage isn’t working. I’ve told her that as a man I’ll always have ideas in my head on what she has/is doing and it’ll never work now. I have also told her that I will not wait for her as what she has put me through I won’t allow it to happen to her husband. I’ve told her this has all been unfair on me and her due to her dishonesty. She’s going to the extreme of even sending me recorded postal letters to my address.

The thing is it’s coming to a stage where I’m contemplating getting the Police involved as this is drastic harassment to the extreme, but I fear maybe the depth of our relationship may unfold.

There’s a lot more that’s gone on but I don’t have the time and effort to write it all down here.

What am I to do? She just won’t leave me alone. PLEASE HELP!!!!!!!!!!!!!



PS: Brothers and sisters I know I’ve had a premarital relationship and I am seeking forgiveness for this. I regret this highly. I would be grateful if your replies aren’t hurtful as I’m going through hell at the moment.

[sunniskeptic]

A) Have you thought about getting a restraining order out on her? i'm not kidding.
The other option is to tell her you've found someone else and move on with your life...and tell her to get on with hers...

a little white lie.

(and you should look for someone else...if she had really loved you she wouldn't have married the other guy--despite the massive
pressure parents' can apply)

C) the third option is a haram one...
I would go for option B.

[The-Mughal-Sister]

Wow! That's one heck of a story, even though you edited it to make it short.

Let me give you another perception, hers:

1) She believed that you two would marry and hence entered a harram relationship, stupid but some girls do that to solidify their relationship. Some guys are crafty and can manipulate girls to do that even though they have NO intention to marry.

2) She has been led to believe by her family that this temporary marriage would give her the ticket to marry you.

3) She's trapped in a loveless marriage and sees you as the answer.

4) Look at your own mistakes.

You need to stop running away from this and acting as though you are the victim, the only victim here is the husband who has got married to a woman who is riddled with lies and deception from all directions.

You need to find out what you want, do you want to marry her? Do you love her? Or have you had enough of her? If so you need to convey this to her?

Face up to the mistakes, you promised this girl marriage and somehow she still believes in this promise! You need to get this out of her head!

Her parents are the next set of culprits trapping her in this marriage of convenience, to cover the shame, and their ego!

You need to understand the magnanimity of the sin you have committed, and also this girl needs to understand this. Not only has she committed it before marriage, she is a married woman and pestering another man! Holding out for a divorce! Living with lies!

However bitter the truth is, you need to swallow it! You need to face up to the mess you both have created and this innocent person who is trapped in this web of deceit needs to know the truth!

Repent to Allah swt, you have trespassed against His laws! Ask for forgiveness.
_____________________________________________________


Do not fall into despair over a wrong action when the door of turning to Allah in repentance is always open-
Imam Ali RA

My sins seemed very great to me, but when I compared them to Your forgiveness, I found Your forgiveness to be greater." Imam Shafi'i RA

This post has been edited by The-Mughal-Sister: 10 April 2012 - 01:28 AM

[badman]

Salams,

Take option B from Brother (Slave Of The Two Husseins) And Imam Ali (A.S) advice as pointed out by Sister TMS, Insha'ALLAH.

[Mudassar-Rana]

alas just like the bolly flicks where the police always comes after the deed is done boys and girls seek advice after the horse has bolted or chiryan chug gai kheth!

My only advice get married yourself and leave well alone - the deed is done. How any parents can ask their daughter to do a temporary marriage is way beyond me - im presuming they have used their daughter to allow a relation (of alledgedly high caste) indefinate leave to remain in the UK to wash dishes in a take away? If presumption is correct then the parents are lying about their high caste and need to find the highest mountain and jump and the girl who allowed her self respect to be compromised in such a way needs to take a good hard look at herself.

You my friend have probably had a lucky escape and for want of a better advetising phrase a "quick sharp harp" is in order!

[Ali_01]

This catastrophe has not only been emotional for me but soul destroying too.

@ The-Mughal-Sister: I have categorically told Lady A that there is no hope! I told her that when I confided in my family and told them of her idea– “marry to divorce” I was advised to “stay away”! A great number of times I have told her that all is over but she’ll just riddle me time and time again with guilt saying that I’ve ruined her life and left her badly scarred.

For the record in no way, shape or form have I ever taken advantage of her. We’re both equally to blame in our sins.

I have stopped all communication with her but she doesn't. Why would you continue to chase a guy (especially when you're married) who doesn't give you the time or day anymore?

I fear something worse is yet to come!

[Hussain0786]

Lets this be a lesson to all that premarital relationships destroy lives!

[Know-the-Ledge]

I was going to give you a verbose response in my usual elaborate style of burlesque peppiness, but I think it might be more conducive to matters if I head straight for the point without the confab; think of it as cost-cutting excercise, making things more streamlined and smoothening over the processess leaving things fluxing with more fludity. I have also been told to start speaking 'English' so I think i'll make a start with that change right here, right now.

Brother, first of all, seek forgiveness for the illicit liason, straight up with no protestations, I know you 'already know', but I have to remind you, as a muslim it's my duty to deliver the reminder. "wa ma 'alai na illal balaghul mubeen" (and we were merely sent to deliver the clear message.)

Now that's the formalities over the way, my advice to you is, forgive her, why? Because she despite of you feeling betrayed and what not, in the back of her mind in the deepest reccesses of her thoughts, did what she did, so that she could hopefully find an avenue to marry you; in her reasoning, which may admittedly not have been the shrewdest, she was taking one step back so that hopefully she could take two steps forward. TMS is right, you're her only hope of liberation and happiness away from the fresh pot, you need to think about how you've taken advantage of her in the 'night-time' and how that's going to be playing on her mind; I think she has no reason to be deceptive about how she's in a sham marriage; man up yara and hear her out in a calm and cordial atmosphere; quit with the persecution complex about how you've been double-crossed, atleast give her a chance.


Besides it would be Noble to marry her after doing what you did.

Allah Hafiz.

[Know-the-Ledge]

Hussain0786, on 10 April 2012 - 09:48 AM, said:

Lets this be a lesson to all that premarital relationships destroy lives!

Thank you for that. That was like one of those 'final thought' segments, the only problem being you have to either A. Be related to the Queen or B. be the Boss of the Country or C. be a moderator of the forum (which you NOR ME are) to have command over rights to the 'final thoughts' segment; so add something beneficial which may be of use to the original poster or desist, we are not her to judge or shame people but correct, guide and pick up the shattered pieces of their soul. It's what bros do, it's in the book The Bro Code Manual.

[harun7865]

Unfortunately this obviously is a situation that you both have brought upon yourselves and as has been said many a time what's done is done and there's no going back. What is left to do now is the right thing, to sort the mess that has been created and for that you will need to face the music.. man up.. based on the behavior of the sister its quite clear what her intentions were and are still. Why it remains a mystery to you I'm not so sure..

This will not JUST GO AWAY! you need to give the sister a chance to speak her mind (preferably with another trustworthy person present)

I would never advocate divorce, however in this situation the whole truth needs to be told to the husband who is an innocent individual who's life you're both playing with.. speak the truth, be honest with your parents and take it from there..

It won't be pretty but if ever there was a time for the man within you to stand up and be counted its NOW!

[Ali_01]

@ Brother Harun7865 I understand where you're coming from however Lady A is the one causing the issues here because she will not disclose the dept of "our relationship" to ANYONE- she has made this very clear. Her plan as she has stated several times is to strech this marriage out for about 6 months (for her parents sake) and then get her husband to divorce her for negligence. I've told her that if this is the case her husband deserves to know the truth but she's refusing.

Every chance I've given Lady A to communicate with me she constantly tells me to wait for her, that she loves me etc but this is absurd because her husband doesn't have the slightest clue and surely in the eyes of Allah this is 100 times worse than what our relationship was initially.

I know ignoring her which is what I'm currently doing isn't going to wash this problem away, but I've really tired with her and I don't know what else to do other than get in touch with the Police but I'm fearful of the consequences for this.

I'm currently at work writing this post so it's clear it's massively affecting me.

[Ali_01]

I.Will.Back, on 10 April 2012 - 11:45 AM, said:

Besides it would be Noble to marry her after doing what you did.

I can’t allow her to break her marriage by giving her hope as divorce in the eyes of Allah is frowned upon, however if she was to come back to me on her own accord today my gut instinct would be to take her back- but when she talks about wanting to stretch this marriage out for another 6 months due to her family’s dignity then I’m sorry but I can’t hold my life on pause for her thinking that "maybe I’ll have a chance with a married woman". Yes I know I’ve had a deep relationship with her but clearly anything can happen in these 6 months- maybe her feelings will change and she’ll start loving her husband etc. Clearly her parents have thought about this in a cunning way and haven’t realised the seriousness of it.

I could perhaps wait the duration of time she has stated but at the end of the day without communication feelings die out and people move on. As a person I'll automatically be thinking she's with another guy and clearly stuff like this will push me away - I'm also sure "if" we were to marry in the future i'd always think about this whole incident for the rest of my life- surely this can't be heading towards a healthy life of marriage.

On a last note is there any guarantee Lady A will get this divorce? Will her husband give it to her? Will her family support her during the potentially hard time? If her parents didn't agree with me initially will they in the future?

As you can see it's problem upon problem.

[seeker]

Really the ongoing ROOT problem is that of the caste system. Yes, OK, sins were committed in the past but really your current set of problems and the reason this is all being stretched out is because of this jaahili, cultural, tribal, caste system. Would you agree?

I mean, it's not an easy thing to solve but it comes down to this: do people value Islam more or their culture? So this might sound like a long shot but these people need to hear what Islam says about rejecting people based on racism.

Anyway, what I really wanted to say was... I am very happy to see that you are turning to Deen in order to address your problems. In reality, it is turning to Allah.

[harun7865]

Ali_01, on 10 April 2012 - 02:01 PM, said:

@ Brother Harun7865 I understand where you're coming from however Lady A is the one causing the issues here because she will not disclose the dept of "our relationship" to ANYONE- she has made this very clear. Her plan as she has stated several times is to strech this marriage out for about 6 months (for her parents sake) and then get her husband to divorce her for negligence. I've told her that if this is the case her husband deserves to know the truth but she's refusing.

Every chance I've given Lady A to communicate with me she constantly tells me to wait for her, that she loves me etc but this is absurd because her husband doesn't have the slightest clue and surely in the eyes of Allah this is 100 times worse than what our relationship was initially.

I know ignoring her which is what I'm currently doing isn't going to wash this problem away, but I've really tired with her and I don't know what else to do other than get in touch with the Police but I'm fearful of the consequences for this.

I'm currently at work writing this post so it's clear it's massively affecting me.

I want to believe you and we should take our Muslim brothers and sisters at their word, however if I'm honest I'm suspicious of the sudden emergence of your conscience now that she is married, and desperately seeking you, although on the other hand she is also lacking in innocence willing to play with another person's life.. my sympathy is beginning to diminish..

The fact that she can cold-mindedly decide that after six months this will end and the previous relationship between you two be restored does not bode well for any relationship present or future.

As its you who has initiated this post I will ask you to FEAR Allah with regards to your treatment of women... they are your test and life's greatest reward.

Barak Allah Fi

[Malaaikah]

Assalaamualaikum

First of all I would like to ask is, ok you dont want her now, knowing she has been married BUT you had a relationship with her first, so how would you feel if you were the husband not knowing that your wife has been with another guy? Not a nice feeling is it?

I would also question the validity of her marriage, one its based on lies and two she didnt want to marry the husband but she did it for your sake, Allahu Alim.

I dont really see the point in speaking with the police if you havent spoken to her already. Try an sort it ourt amongst yourselves first.

I also knew someone who was in a similar situation as you but the girl didnt marry the other guy, she ended up marrying the same guy she committed zina with. So my question to you is because you must have spent a lot of time together how do you know you will be able to keep away from her? Ok may be the first few months but it will get more difficult as time goes by. If you dont do something about the situation now you may end up going back to her so you need to decide what you want and you have to make sure you let her know and take some serious steps to correcting your actions. If you want her then go ahead and tell her husband and parents and everyone and good luck with that. If you dont then speak to her about it, move away, turn to Allah, Repent to Him, cry to Him, make Him your Friend and your life will automatically change for the better inshaAllah. People dont change unless they take that first step and try and change themselves, this is your situation its upto you to sort it, no one will do it for you.

I hope this helps.

May Allah forgive you and guide you to the Straight Path. Ameen...

[Ali_01]

sinner123, on 10 April 2012 - 03:50 PM, said:

Assalaamualaikum

First of all I would like to ask is, ok you dont want her now, knowing she has been married BUT you had a relationship with her first, so how would you feel if you were the husband not knowing that your wife has been with another guy? Not a nice feeling is it?

If you want her then go ahead and tell her husband and parents and everyone and good luck with that.

If I was the husband and she had been in a past relationship without telling me I’d feel like a tool to say the least. But this here is for her to tell her husband not me. From past conversations with her she said she’ll disclose her past from everyone as Islamically she doesn’t have to reveal her sins.

[arzooemadinah]

If the parents were not agreed before how can they will agree now that she can marry you. That is all her fabricated story that they asked her to marry for six months and after she is allowed to have divorce.

She is not happy with her marriage thats why she is asking you to take her back otherwise if she is happy she will never come back and see in what situation you are.

ASk forgiveness from Allah and tell her dont try to contact you as she is a married girl now and as you mentioned you and her had premarital relationship before so that is very easy if you start seeing her you two can do a big sin again because you not stranger anymore.

I gather she want her marriage as well and same time your sympathy and realtionship with you . I think better tell her if you not happy with him tell your parents and marry someone else I dont want you back.

request to brs and sisters when you love someone dont give them false hopes and dont go in haram realtionship while you know your parents will differ on caste or any other reasons. Better who ever you love try to involve the families quick and marry as soon as possible or if the other party dont agree leave them instead of going into haram relationship.

If a girl or a boy wants to involve in haram relations leave them because they not in love they using you for there fun and pleasure and when it comes to marry each other these reasons you suffer.

What happened before you both in fault ask tauba from Allah but now she is someone's wife so if you develop realtionship you will do haram realtion again and if the husband will know he can take you to court.

[pukhtoonz]

feeling sorry for the poor lady . may Allah swt help you both get out of this hard situation

[Ali_01]

Ameen.

[samzus]

I'm here to give you another scenario to think about.

Let's say lady A is no more in the picture. She has moved on and living with her husband. Chapter closed... just as you want it to be now.

You move on too . Here comes lady B whom you are considering for marriage. She is a nice lovely lady. Now here is a question to which I don't want an answer...

 Would you tell her about your past?

You must know it quite well that how hard it will be for lady B to digest the truth and respect you? Just like it is hard for you to accept your ex-lover back because she has another man in her life as her husband.
Actually it will be much worse for lady B .. as lady A is in a legitimate relationship atm. But lady B will be having you in front of her who was once in a illegitimate relationship. That will shake her trust in you for sure.

And if you decide not to disclose your past infront of lady B..will that be considered as dishonesty ?

Us humans ...we always want to be forgiven no matter what sort o f sins we commit on daily basis. We hope to be forgiven because our Lord is The Most Merciful and All-Forgiving.
Yet, we are not ready to give what we seek for ourselves. We don't forgive others at all! We just hold them to account and don't want to give them another chance. We blame and shame them.

This feeling  is not love when one thing or the other happens and the feeling has turned negative.. This is more like one's expectation, desires and needs. As soon as they die out, the feeling of "love" is gone.  This is definitely not love!
Love is only true and pure if it stems from the divine love, the love of Allah and His Beloved SallAllahu 'Alaihi Wa Aalihi Wassallam. Such love will encourage you to do good and abstain from evil.

Brother, ask help from Allah ..ask Him to guide and help you and that lady. We can only suggest things. Just keep your head cool and think through before taking any further step. Because, surely, you wouldn't want to make any other mistake. Insha'Allah!
May He protect us all from all kinds of evil . Aameen!