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I'm In Love With My Best Friend but he's married..

Posted 05 February 2012 - 06:01 AM (#1) User is offline   sistercupcakes 

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About two years ago I met this guy through a family member and we got really close. Eventually he became my best friend, and I didn't even realize it. I was going to him for advise, talk to him when I'm depressed, talk about school, life, love, family etc. And he came to me as well. We never had any kind of relationship because I knew he was married and he was just living day to day. The thing is, he had gotten married a few months before we had met, to a girl back home as an arranged marriage sort of thing. He was fine with his life till he met me. He suggested a few times that we should get married but I shut him down because I wasn't going to be a second wife. So, we stopped talking about it. He's 21 and I'm 19. The thing is, I understand we are both young and this friendship should have never started to begin with, but it did. I pray to Allah to forgive me but at the moment, I just need advise. I've fallen in love with him.

The thing that could make me cry is that recently I dreamt of me having a baby girl, and he was my husband. I have never dreamt of someone outside my family before.

I don't know what to do. If his wife said she didn't care, I wouldn't either. And that is remarkable for me, because I've always been the "Cinderella, fairy tale love girl", but I really, really want to marry him. and be with him. Any advise, please?

JazakAllah.
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Posted 05 February 2012 - 01:43 PM (#2) User is offline   diwanisarkarki 

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sis why do u want spoil his wife's life? Why didnt u take ur step back with a married male whem you know hez married.

Sis ur just 19 u will have many other good oppurtunities. Just leave them alone. I know its not easy but still sis one day u will inshallah move on and realise that u were wrong if i do so.

See sis u put urself in this situation as u are the wife who got married and one of ur husband's friend says to marry with ir husband. Would you allow her to get married with your husband???


Plz sis take your step back n leave them both otherwise he wont be able to forget u...

Sorry sis i can never say any sis to marry with a married man and whom he was happliy married. Nor i can ever think of getting married with such a person. I dont want to get cursed with his first wife...
Assalato Wassalamo Alaika Yarasool Allah, Sallalaho Alaihi Wa Alaihi Wasalllam
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Posted 05 February 2012 - 02:31 PM (#3) User is offline   Fatema-the-resplendent 

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I have patiently read what you wrote and discovered that no one can really help who they fall in love with, If this is love but...

The thing is you are young and the feelings you have can be overwhelming at that age and you seem to have been swept off your feet by him. It isn't normal let me add to fall in love with a Man who is married but both of you are young and he probably hasn't even spent time with his wife yet to know whether he loves her. You seem to have come into his life at a very crucial point; you may even have jeopardised his relationship with his wife who may not get the love from him now

Because you really want him you will accept him even with a wife, living in a cellar or even seeing him occasionally. You will not always like this I guarantee you this especially when your passionate feeings for him are satiated, then you will be able to think clearly and realise your mistake. Marriages such as these are not easy, his wife is not even in the picture and when she comes over there will be added complications. She will naturally resent you because you have married a man she has not yet even gotten to know. He won't always be so attentive towards you especially when he has another wife to start a life with and then you will realise you have thrown away your youth and beauty for a Man who may not even have been worth it.

Sorry I know it's depressing but the truth. If you can live with all the above-primarily being resented by his first wife, and then there are the Children. When he starts having kids how would you feel? A lot of his time will be taken up by them, by his wife and then you. It's so messy, and for you to have a good life he will need to have money to do that for both families, separate housing etc.

Basically what I am saying is you are most likely making a mistake and to think clearly before you ruin your life.


This post has been edited by Fatema-the-resplendent: 05 February 2012 - 02:32 PM

...And my mercy embraces all things.

(Surah al araf, Quran)
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Posted 05 February 2012 - 10:19 PM (#4) User is offline   harun7865 

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View PostFatema-the-resplendent, on 05 February 2012 - 02:31 PM, said:

I have patiently read what you wrote and discovered that no one can really help who they fall in love with, If this is love but...

The thing is you are young and the feelings you have can be overwhelming at that age and you seem to have been swept off your feet by him. It isn't normal let me add to fall in love with a Man who is married but both of you are young and he probably hasn't even spent time with his wife yet to know whether he loves her. You seem to have come into his life at a very crucial point; you may even have jeopardised his relationship with his wife who may not get the love from him now

Because you really want him you will accept him even with a wife, living in a cellar or even seeing him occasionally. You will not always like this I guarantee you this especially when your passionate feeings for him are satiated, then you will be able to think clearly and realise your mistake. Marriages such as these are not easy, his wife is not even in the picture and when she comes over there will be added complications. She will naturally resent you because you have married a man she has not yet even gotten to know. He won't always be so attentive towards you especially when he has another wife to start a life with and then you will realise you have thrown away your youth and beauty for a Man who may not even have been worth it.

Sorry I know it's depressing but the truth. If you can live with all the above-primarily being resented by his first wife, and then there are the Children. When he starts having kids how would you feel? A lot of his time will be taken up by them, by his wife and then you. It's so messy, and for you to have a good life he will need to have money to do that for both families, separate housing etc.

Basically what I am saying is you are most likely making a mistake and to think clearly before you ruin your life.




I agree with sister FTR this is one of those definate no-win situations where the best you can do is to sever any contact as soon as you possibly can. With time, distance and some clarity of perspective you can perhaps look back one day and thank your lucky stars that you got out when you did.
YE HAI DARBAR AAQA KA,

YEHAN MILTA HAI BEMAANGE,

ARRE O NA SAMJH,

YEHAN DAAMAN PEHLAAYA NAHI KARTE
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Posted 05 February 2012 - 10:31 PM (#5) User is offline   technocore 

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He is married and still he let your friendship evolve to a point where you both are in love (as I gather).... that is an extreme lack of respect to the sanctity of the marriage, .... if he can do this to his first wife ... what makes you think you are an exception ...
- The most favorable friend to me is that who shows me my flaws -
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Posted 06 February 2012 - 09:57 PM (#6) User is offline   The-Mughal-Sister 

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Taking a male for your friend and then a best friend is asking for trouble, on top of that he is married and you will automatically have feelings for him as you are young and think he is the be all and end all and there is no one better than him. This is all concocted from your fairy tale image of men, which is just that, an image, a fantasy, a notion. In reality it's far more raw and painful. Wake up.

If he knows better he would discourage from harbouring such feelings, he would keep his distance from you, but he is a man, why would he do that? Instead he will share with you tales of woe about his marriage and thus trapping you further and further into his web.

There are more fish in the sea, but first you must become independent, look after yourself, be strong and help yourself, this boy is not the answer to your problems, he is your problem. Once you wash him from your thoughts your life will look and seem different and more positive.

Next time, look for a girl to confide in, it's far safer and less complications.

Sorry if I sound harsh, but at times tough love is the only option.

This post has been edited by The-Mughal-Sister: 06 February 2012 - 09:57 PM

“Your knowledge must improve your heart, and purge your ego.”

Imam Ghazzali RA
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Posted 06 February 2012 - 11:01 PM (#7) User is offline   Know-the-Ledge 

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Faraz things have changed from several years ago, muslim kids can divorce, the current environment calls for alot more divorces, why should people live unhappily because divorce is so taboo?

Divorces have solved lots of problems, in my empirical society. This idea of divorce being taboo is outdated and nonsensical.

This post has been edited by Know-The-Ledge: 06 February 2012 - 11:05 PM

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Posted 07 February 2012 - 07:14 AM (#8) User is offline   technocore 

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View PostKnow-The-Ledge, on 06 February 2012 - 11:01 PM, said:

Faraz things have changed from several years ago, muslim kids can divorce, the current environment calls for alot more divorces, why should people live unhappily because divorce is so taboo?

Divorces have solved lots of problems, in my empirical society. This idea of divorce being taboo is outdated and nonsensical.



Brother there is a difference between taking the path of divorce when all alternatives fail ... and choosing it as a preemptive measure.
It is much easier to move on after divorce in a western society compared to east. Ideal situations aside, realistically if the girl resides in east, it is equivalent to destroying her life just because the guy didn't have guts to say no to arranged marriage.

- The most favorable friend to me is that who shows me my flaws -
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Posted 07 February 2012 - 12:26 PM (#9) User is offline   AUUA-Youth 

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View PostKnow-The-Ledge, on 06 February 2012 - 11:01 PM, said:

Faraz things have changed from several years ago, muslim kids can divorce, the current environment calls for alot more divorces, why should people live unhappily because divorce is so taboo?

Divorces have solved lots of problems, in my empirical society. This idea of divorce being taboo is outdated and nonsensical.


Things have changed your right, but we all go through periods where we are unhappy in life, life is never the same after marriage as it is before, the grass always looks greener on the other side. It is in human nature that even if we are happy in marriage we still drool over and envy others. This is why the boundaries are set in Islam, if you decide to cross them then it is up to you to deal with the consequences.

Sister,

Allah Ta Aala says in the Qur'an Surah 42 Ayah 30

Whatever misfortune happens to you, is because on the things your hands have wrought, and for many (of them) He grants forgiveness.
Yusuf Ali

We choose to lead our lives, as humans we make mistakes and sometimes find ourselves on the wrong path, we must show courage in life and be firm in repentance stop feeling sorry for ourselves, then Allah's mercy will surely support our striving towards good, Sister you said you were aware of what you did wrong, now be strong and repent to Allah and then you have to decide if you want him to leave his first wife for you, or if you want to share him. If his head is turned by you then it may be it will turn again for someone else.

We live in a society where divorce is not a taboo anymore which is a good thing and empowers young people to take control of their lives, but it also allows some individuals to jump ships when ever their head is turned.

People need to speak their minds early, its not fair to drag someone over from abroad and then decide you want someone else. Be brave and stand up to your parents in the first place. If you can upset them after then you can upset them before.

Our problem is we escape from the east and drown in the west, From one extreme to the other.

may Allah guide us to follow Islam wholeheartedly

By Allah if we showed this much commitment in Loving Allah and his messenger we would be successful.

Rok leti hain aap ki nisbat, teer jitne bhi ham pe chalte hain

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Posted 07 February 2012 - 12:37 PM (#10) User is offline   Know-the-Ledge 

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How much unhappiness and sadness would be saved if divorce didn't "destroy the rep"? This guy has been married two years, yet his wife still isn't here? And the guy has thought it suitable to ask the third person to marry him?

Parents getting kids married to back-homers is the bane of many marriages these days; better one 'destroyed' life than three; you like me don't know the full material facts, but I could bet you 10p it'll be alot more sinister than it's made out to be. Get with the programme, British lads marrying fresh-pots with mistresses here with the usual "my parents didn't give me a choice syndrome" is rife these days and it needs to be nipped in the bud.

it's easy to talk about how he didn't have the guts to say no, but parental blackmail and force can be so subtle sometimes, you don't know what's hit you until you sit back and take stock, as teenagers we are told all our lives that the family unit and parents are our world, so when they threaten to have 'heart attacks and die' because you won't marry their nieces or nephews our notion of 'the world' fall apart, it's not hard to see why so many are so easily beguiled. I had two cousins in the past, both vehemently against their arranged marriages, but still were forced to go through with it, by hook or by crook they take you down. I have no sympathy for anyone in a sham marriage of teenagers from different parts of the world; the girls dignity should have been thought about by her parents, why should British lads with identity crises suffer for the out-dated ideas of village folk?

Sistercupcake, tell him to make a choice, one that involves either you two, or them two. Let him decide and then deal with it from there. I say all this based on enough empirical evidence in my own khandaan, where divorces led to freedom of choice and happiness for all invoved and those that didn't divorce are now stuck in sadness and sin, to safeguard some fabled honour. How sad. Honour is in pursuing happiness, even if that means taking drastic measures to right the wrongs of parents who think they 'own' their children.

This post has been edited by Know-The-Ledge: 07 February 2012 - 12:42 PM

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Posted 07 February 2012 - 12:48 PM (#11) User is offline   Know-the-Ledge 

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If you guys think that saying no to parents and 'upsetting them abit' is easily done, then you've got a shockwave coming your way. From the root to the bloody fruit they turn your lfe upside down, terrify and scare you, disown you, curse you, when the family unit start turning against your parents for their 'unruly' child and your mum hits depression and your dad starts ruing his bad-luck in life, you're going to be jumping through hoops to stop this escalation into a cesspit of despair.

It starts subtle, but ends with a maelstrom of blackmail. Frankly divorcing their nieces or nephews is Just Desserts; I hav no sympathy for anyone who is trampled on in British guys or girls attempts at liberating themselves from the pattern of cultural red-bull.

Shafilea Ahmed from Bradford was found dumped in a canal because she wouldn't marry some mangethar, go tell her it was just a matter of 'upsetting the parents abit'.

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Posted 07 February 2012 - 02:28 PM (#12) User is offline   AUUA-Youth 

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With all due respect bro, i have studied the topic in great deal over the past couple of years and i totally agree with evetything you said, but when a patient comes to doctor, the wise doctor will prescribe the medicine according to the particular problems and situation of the person.

The sister has given us no reason to believe he was forced to marry or blackmail or others you mentioned. It is important we advise according to the nature of the problem, the fact he has asked her to marry suggests he has the confidence to challenge his parents.

There are forced marriages and honour killings and sick individuals hijacking our deen and it is an emotional issue which we all hate and despise, but whenever one marries a 'mangheter' (degrading term?) we cant assume he/she is forced and parents are evil.

What im saying is i answered according to information given, you answered from others experinces, some are forced some are cowards then some choose to plz their parents and later use this to bail out, others go to hell and back or are killed.

I don't want to marry from the uk, i have my reasons for this, am i being forced? Allah has put good and bad people every where, are all mangies bad? I perdonally have more reason to thank the mangies then my fellow british, but that is my expriences. I understand there are good people in britian.
Rok leti hain aap ki nisbat, teer jitne bhi ham pe chalte hain

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Posted 07 February 2012 - 02:48 PM (#13) User is offline   warea 

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Heart break is part of growing up while love is a drug. You loose clear thinking and will regret when the drug of love is cleared out. Direct your face towards God and do what pleases Him. All power comes from God. The emotions you feel comes with power and permission of God. And when God is pleased with you all of humanity will love you and the angels and jinn will love you and in the after life you will be with those whom you love.
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Posted 08 February 2012 - 12:43 PM (#14) User is offline   Know-the-Ledge 

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It's important we give people the courage and guts to do what will giive most long-terms benefit; i'd rather give her the wind to take a drastic corrective measure than sit their wallowing as we rattle of theoretical jargon. Every arranged marriage with a back-homer by definition has two people who have hardly ever met get married because of a custom.

He got married a few months before he met her and it's been over two years since and she's still not come to England? I don't see it a big deal to be uncommitted to someone on the other side of the world whom you've been married two years and still haven't co-habited whilst you meet other girls as you are maturing and ageing. I wouldn't call this situation of a guy in holy matrimony with a princess, i'd call it a sham of luring teenagers back home and marrying them off in the name of contractual agreements between phillistines who need to wake up to the cultural milieu their kids are growing up in; divorce is a poetic tool to use against these geriatrics who need a taste of some sour medicine. so they can feign their heart-attacks and depressions whilst mithering about 'logh ke aakhsan'.

This post has been edited by Know-The-Ledge: 08 February 2012 - 12:54 PM

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Posted 08 February 2012 - 01:59 PM (#15) User is offline   warea 

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Whatever the hyperboles, its ridiculous to propose that the topic writer should marry him and not give a damn about his other wives. What makes you think she wouldn't be thrown to the same state of that wife back in Pakistan? If the guy is not even intelligent enough to choose a wife and is somehow being succumbed to evil barbarian demonic family pressures, then he isn't a good choice as a husband anyway. Let the guy solve his issues and be in a position where he can socially and financially handle marrying the topic writer. Then only think of it. Otherwise get on with life, there are millions of men out there and you wouldn't want to sacrifice your life for some guy with issues based on a wrong decision you take as a result of being pumped up with the drug of love and then regret for the rest of your life.
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Posted 09 February 2012 - 01:09 PM (#16) User is offline   diwanisarkarki 

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one thing taht makes me mad why the hell parents getting their son married back home??? Why dont they finad any girl england???

Why they are trying to join east n west???

Why they are ruining the life of their own kids ?? And specially girls??
Assalato Wassalamo Alaika Yarasool Allah, Sallalaho Alaihi Wa Alaihi Wasalllam
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Posted 09 February 2012 - 01:11 PM (#17) User is offline   diwanisarkarki 

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oops mistaken... *Why the parents dont find any girl from england*
Assalato Wassalamo Alaika Yarasool Allah, Sallalaho Alaihi Wa Alaihi Wasalllam
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Posted 10 February 2012 - 04:45 PM (#18) User is offline   harun7865 

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View PostThe-Mughal-Sister, on 06 February 2012 - 09:57 PM, said:

Taking a male for your friend and then a best friend is asking for trouble, on top of that he is married and you will automatically have feelings for him as you are young and think he is the be all and end all and there is no one better than him. This is all concocted from your fairy tale image of men, which is just that, an image, a fantasy, a notion. In reality it's far more raw and painful. Wake up.

If he knows better he would discourage from harbouring such feelings, he would keep his distance from you, but he is a man, why would he do that? Instead he will share with you tales of woe about his marriage and thus trapping you further and further into his web.

There are more fish in the sea, but first you must become independent, look after yourself, be strong and help yourself, this boy is not the answer to your problems, he is your problem. Once you wash him from your thoughts your life will look and seem different and more positive.

Next time, look for a girl to confide in, it's far safer and less complications.

Sorry if I sound harsh, but at times tough love is the only option.



The actions of this male are not acceptable that is a given however what I take exception to in your post sister is the "because he's a man" attitude. People take advantage of many situations be they male or female because they can, in reality they are ONLY concerned with themselves. Among all people's there are good and bad, those that take advantage and manipulate the situation to their liking and those who don't. Lets not make this a male specific defect, I don't think that would be fair.
YE HAI DARBAR AAQA KA,

YEHAN MILTA HAI BEMAANGE,

ARRE O NA SAMJH,

YEHAN DAAMAN PEHLAAYA NAHI KARTE
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Posted 12 February 2012 - 09:27 PM (#19) User is offline   Sagg_e_Madinah 

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"He is married and still he let your friendship evolve to a point where you both are in love (as I gather).... that is an extreme lack of respect to the sanctity of the marriage, .... if he can do this to his first wife ... what makes you think you are an exception ..."


Above is a Very good advice to think about


You start loving Allah and His Prophet from your heart trust me your situation will be solved

Whenever you think about this man just Recite Darood Sharif upon the Prophet (Peace Be Upon Him)



Don't forget to pray for me
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Posted 12 February 2012 - 11:02 PM (#20) User is offline   adnanghurabaa 

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Salaam

I would like to share with you an idiom that has worked all my life:

Out of sight, out of mind.

Regards
Adnan
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