[diwanisarkarki]

salamalaikum

If a couple in the first night is get distrubed by other ppl for some work purpuse (say walima held just next day) and not able to spend time wid each other and groom is called again and again then i think its so irritating for both bride n groom but groom wont say anything coz its his parents n family but how a woman shud behaive in such situation.... I mean this is so irritating for any bride and if a bride says NO for having xxx if u no wot i mean...

Shariay says angels will curse that woman but here situation is different...

[sunniskeptic]

Go away with your husband for a week or two on a honeymoon far away from family.

:-)

[adnanghurabaa]

Salaam

So i guess youve met your inlaws

Finding the balance is the key, you may have to let your husbad know that hes not spending time with you (dont blame his family directly, he should get the picture).

Regards
Adnan

[diwanisarkarki]

Nahi aysi baat nahi

i was just thinking that in islam it is sinful for a women to reject to have x but what about a man? What if a wife expecting to have x n he doesnt have time or some other problem? Wont he be sinful ???

Har baat aurat par akar q atak jati hai??


Every couple have problems in their lives and it heppens dat any of them may say No have x or husband is not intrested then what???

As i said above in the first post is bout the first nyt , both of them expect same for first nyt N if husband doesnt do so then i think is so hurting

If take myself into this situation (jus want him to spend time wid me atleast that nyt not talking about x) then i think wud go crazy n not allow him for the next couple of days. I wont even speak wid him.... I cant carry a plastic smile....

[Libara]

A husband has a duty to his wife to ensure that he fulfills her sexual needs.

A wife may refuse/postpone having sexual relations with her husband if she has a valid reason. E.g health etc.

Remember sexual relations between a husband and wife are based on love, respect and understanding.

Islam provides the guidelines this does not mean that couples use force or use such legal principles to bash each other in or out of the bedroom.

Men learn something similar to what you have quoted above [women being cursed...] and start forcing their wives, or women come to know of such a thing and feel that Islam has not given them any rights in Islam. Both views are incorrect and undermine the foundations of marriage and marital relations.

Islam is utterly perfect and more perfect is the one who brought it to us (sallallahu alayhi wa salam) and beyond perfection is He (subhanahu wa ta'ala) who sent it down to us.

[Fatema-the-resplendent]

The sad thing is I am yet to hear a Religious Scholar speak about the rights of Women in THAT regard with as much importance as they do for Men. I think guys are brought up to think that only they have needs, and that those needs MUST be met through the Angel Cursing hadith and that a Womans' desires are unsubstantiated and not urgent.

If we look at the reasoning why rejecting your partner can lead to Men looking outside of marriage for gratification; it is similar for a woman she will commit sins if pushed far enough. God has created desires for both Genders, and there are needs for both which need to be fulfilled.

I think Muslim Men and Women need to be given lessons on this aspect of a relationship before they commit to marriage, like a pre-marriage course and it woulde be lovely to see equal onus on Womens' needs too in the course.

This post has been edited by Fatema-the-resplendent: 24 January 2012 - 03:07 PM

[Know-the-Ledge]

I think the problem is lack of communication. Talk more.

[warea]

I don't see how shariah cursing applies to this situation just as it wont apply to a situation where the women is sick and the husband is getting moody. The hadith should not be exaggerated and turned into the first principle relation between husband and wife and should instead be placed in proper holistic perspective with objective in mind.

Wasalam

[sunniskeptic]

There is a fear of female sexuality in all religions and that is a part of the problem; if a Muslim woman was to say openly to her husband or fiance that she was feeling sexually aroused and wanted to make love in XYZ positions he would probably think she was a slut and cast aspersions on her lineage and family etc. Good Muslim girls don't have sexual feelings--didn't you know that?

(For the slow amongst the readership I am being sarcastic.) This fear is the root cause behind the separation of the sexes, insistence on purdah even from close relatives, To be fair I don't think this attitude existed in the beginning of Islam--the hadith are fairly direct on the issue of sexuality--but over the centuries something has gone wrong to make sex a dirty word in the Muslim world and society.

Since marriage is now the only islamic way to have halal sex it would make sense to educate the bride and groom beforehand on the etiquettes of lovemaking although i personally think it is a very intimate area which the couple can decide their limits but knowledge of the possibilities should be there. Imam Suyuti wrote 8 treatises on the art of love-making and Shaykh Nafzawi also wrote the famous Perfumed Garden but I have not seen one such book written from the female point of view.

Why?

A breakdown in the area of intimacy is one of the prime reasons for either partner cheating and the breakdown of marriage. If either desired a more sensitive and adventurous approach to this intimacy the guy would be considered unmanly and the woman a slut. We seem to have adopted the Christian view of sex as just being for procreation and not as the ultimate expression of love for a partner and the source of worldly pleasure. Read Ibn Arabi's Fusus al Hikm, Chapter on the Prophet Muhammad and his commentary on the hadith 'Three things of this world have been made dear to me..." (alayhi salatu wa salaam.)

Yet we don't discuss this. TBF, Shaykh Nuh Keller--despite our disagreements ---is the only current scholar whom I know of who has addressed this issue for his murids --and done a course for the female murids. An Indo-Paki scholar would consider it bayghairati and baysharami to even broach the subject!
I am not a psychologist but I would be willing to bet that a large proportion of the domestic violence rife in Muslim households--especially in Muslim countries like Pakistan--against women has its roots in inadequacies in the bedroom. Might sound too Freudian but its almost certainly true.

When men cannot satisfy their womenfolk they often resort to physical abuse to assert their 'manliness'.

[The-Mughal-Sister]

Ugh!!

Muslims couples do what?!

Stone them to even entertain such thoughts!!

[warea]

Actually there is wholesome reduction in Islamicness of the community and this straying away from proper husband and wife relationship is one among the many. So what should be done here is same as reviving ecvery aspect of the deen and reviving the sunnah of the prophet peace abd blessings be upon him. Question prior to complaining now is, what have you done to serve Islam ? Although its obvious to me the question was raised here as part of awareness.

Moreover the hadith should be remembered that the first trial to the bani Israel was their women, so we shouldnt use this to turn around into a slippery slope to jumping into the hole of yahud or nasara.

[Know-the-Ledge]

Sunniskeptic I agree with you completely. Good post. The Perfumed Garden would be considered an oddity these days.

I think the problem stems from the fact that many men can't believe that women view 'attraction' as something more decent than 'just sex', unlike men who have a very shallow hardwiring to it (unless they mature and cultivate themselves). It's bloody sad and infuriating. Men can do alot worse than understand how women view attraction, it's much more elevated and with depth and a dignity...usual caveats of extremes apply.

This post has been edited by Know-The-Ledge: 24 January 2012 - 06:48 PM

[warea]

There are similariliy plenty of things that women can't believe of men. For example the ridiculous nature of women being attracted to men who avoid or show disinterest to them. These are issues that are universal and existant for ever. These relationship between sexes issues existed even at the time of Prophet saw, where in quraysh tribe the women had authority over man while the opposite in Madinah.

[diwanisarkarki]

sunnisceptic a very gud post bro.

And ftr n libara i like ur too.

Thnx for making me this clr but none have provided any hadith regarding this issue

[Aljannah]

Too many people get played too easily these days. When something don't feel or look right. Most likely...... something is wrong. Use some common sense and question it, are you being made a fool of? If all answers are answered wrongly.. Pack a bag or two and walk. Noone needs a shabby marriage/relation/friends keep walking.

That's right.

[piara-madinah]

Haste makes waste, if the situation is like that and he oe she disturbed the ist night , better show some saber , you going to stay with him all your life and you can do x etc so why making yourself upset only for a little reason .

and if after that will be that family,s routine to disturb you then ask politely , tell your husband please ask your parents before coming in room for sleep do they need you , do what they want and then come and sleep.

If they still knock you can open and say mum he is sleeping what can I do for you.After few days she will not knock.
And if they carry on then politely talk to your mother in law and say please can you tell us what you need us to do before going in bed and dont disturb after .

Dont spoil your marraige only for these little arguments.

Dont worry angles will not curse on you what you think angels are looking and counting each night which wife saying yes and which is saying no?

[Aljannah]

Divorce is obviously most hated by Allah swt, saying that so is living with a partner who is capable of ruining your imaan. Use your ability in overcoming obvious hurdles... such as attending to your duties as a wife/daughter in law etc. But know your position in Islam. We've countless examples of how to treat others with respect and how to BE retreated.

Sorry if I'm not one to uphold cultures. Their food is good and maybe some of their clothing.. apart from that. Not much interests me. Especially the mental games the play. Wastemans.