Shaykh Sayyid Zahid Husain Rizwi has replied to our questions:
Becoming A Second Wife-advice Please 2nd wife
Posted 12 July 2011 - 10:17 PM (#1)
i'm a young successful professional single mum of a 3year old. in the past i've always thought polygamy is weird and there is no way i would ever do it. however i have recently fallen for a married man. when i say fallen for i don't mean i've had any sort of relationship like that apart from meeting him for a coffee often with others present and sometimes just us. he really likes me and has done so for many years.only recently he expressessd his feelings and made a proposition to me to think about. he has a child and a wife he was forced to marry. him and his wife don't get along. he asked me to marry him...but in secret. he will provide me with a house and anything i need and is willing to sign a contract...now this is really weird for me. but the thing is i had such an awful ex husband and i know this man is a good decent man.he's everything my ex wasn't. my ex husband left me, beat me etc. this man, he cannot leave his wife because of the child. i respect that.
but because i feel meeting someone you like is a blessing in itself i don't want to say no....i'm actually contemplating being a second wife. here are my problems...
1. i find it difficult to keep a secret and have no idea or courage on how to present this to my parents (considering i had a love marriage in the past and it failed)?they'll just think i've gone mad.
2. i'm not legally considered a wife if i accept...so what precautions could i take eg. what type of contracts from where?
3. he's already told his first wife who at first was angry and now seems to have calmed down,....does he need her permission?
4. i'm quite independent so an arrangement where he's not" in my face" all the time would be good because i keep my freedom?....but not sure it will always remain like this.
I'm so unsure...having had a failed marriage in the past i take a big risk marrying this guy. my heart tells me he is genuine and will care for me and my son...but i have absolutely no idea how living as a kind of secret wife would work?any 2nd wives out there with experiences to share?
Posted 12 July 2011 - 10:36 PM (#2)
A few points for you to think about:
I dont think you can get married without the first wife knowing she will find out sooner or later and trust me when she does she wont be a happy bunny.
Im sure you think now that you will be fine with him being elsewhere half the time but when the time does come it will be more difficult for you to do. For e.g. if you did have another child with him Im sure it would be really difficult for you if your husband is with his other wife and she wont let him come to see you.
My advice to you would be only to go ahead with it if the first wife is happy with it or else it will cause too many problems. Think seriously about the children and all the rest of the people that would be involved.
I hope this helps.
Posted 12 July 2011 - 10:45 PM (#3)
It's quite sad you have had a difficult marriage and been through problems.
Sister I'll be quite frank with you, sisters like you who have been through marriage difficulties and have a child and longing for a man are taken advantage of by already married men.
Firstly if he was married why was he meeting you and offering his shoulder to cry on, if not preparing you for a proposal?
Secondly why doesn't he leave the first wife and marry you? Why do you have to be another wife? If he loves you then you should be enough!
Thirdly why should you be a secret? That itself shows he knows he is doing something wrong and doesn't want to be found out.
Be careful sis, you are extremely vulnerable, maybe you are very pretty and that is why he has his eye on you and the fact you are looking for support makes you fresh prey for his desires.
A man should marry you openly, just because you have a child or had a difficult marriage does not make you less worth than a single woman!
A man should take you as his first wife, you are not inferior to the others due to your situation.
Wait! Don't rush! Because if he turns out to be a selfish man you will have 2 regrets.
I say, look after your beautiful son, care and cherish him. He has been through difficulty living through your first marriage you don't want to put him through that again stressing about being wife no.2.
Build on yourself, your life, your happiness and maybe start a basic course or something. I feel you are a needy person and if someone values you, you will hang onto them for dear life.
May Allah swt protect you and your son.
Imam Ghazzali RA
Posted 12 July 2011 - 10:54 PM (#4)
marry and keep it secret , there is no love .As you mentioned you both knew for years its not good to see someone for years if he is not happy in realtions with his own wife in one way you giving him company and he avoid his wife more.
someone I knew married 3rd time now , not happy with ist wife then marry again that was his love marriage after 20 years now 3rd time and that was again love marriage , he is in late 40,s so bear in mind if he can marry secend time in secret he can third time as well , better drop the idea or ask him marry openly and tell his wife and give you proof that they all agree his family etc .
if you demand that he will run fast .
Posted 12 July 2011 - 10:57 PM (#5)
I agree with sister TMS and the points she has made. I understand that your an independant person but if genuine love kicks in and you really do fall head over heels for this guy. Wouldn't your mind wonder what he is upto when he is not around you?
Isit fair on your child to have somebody there only sometimes?. I believe the risks are too high as soon as Love kicks in between both of you, this situation becomes more and more complex and maybe even mental torture.
Posted 12 July 2011 - 11:03 PM (#6)
Our sisters above have already made excellent points. I just want to say that like you mentioned your first marriage was out of love. Obviously you weren't aware of the brutal side of your ex-husband and entered a relationship. It is very much possible that you don't know about negative side of this man. He might not be ruthless like your ex but let's say, he might not be able to do justice to his two wives. He's already mentioned that he won't be able to declare his second marriage which in my opinion is a injustice in itself.
Listening to your heart is good but at the same time think about things thoroughly.
Na Koi Saadi Zaat Pachane ..Na Koi Sanu Mannay
Posted 13 July 2011 - 05:51 AM (#7)
as for the first wife. he has already told her. he doesn't mind being out in the open about it with my family and anyone else. he just wants to keep it a secret from his parents. I did mention that they will find out sooner or later and he said by that time it'll be too late because the danger is that they find out before he does it and try to stop him. the only problem is i'm not quite sure how my family will react with his not knowing.
as for why he can't leave hiis wife....she's his first cousin from Pakistan. she leads a miserable marriage. but she enjoys the freedom and the money and lifestyle he gives her. she is unlikely to swap that for her life back home. he also fears she'll take his son away, which is fair enough....i wouldn't like to break a childs relationship with his mum and dad. he even said that if she tried to leave him even out of her own free will a huge number of relatives would just get involved and force her back including his own mum. its like they'll be together forever. he's quite old fashioned aswell...he doesn't believe in divorce. EVER? i think its a cultural thing in his family/caste.
I've given myself a period of thinking time and after ramadan i'll make a decision. its really hard because my feelings are so strong and i know he's not treated with kindness by his wife and i could fill that gap and he could fulfill a role i'm missing, i'm going to make a lot of dua and ask for guidance from allh in this time.
Posted 13 July 2011 - 06:14 AM (#8)
Say, the first wife breaks arguments post to your marriage; what could it lead to?
Just some things to think about.
Posted 13 July 2011 - 11:08 AM (#9)
The man in question can portray his first wife as evil and selfish as he wishes.
Have you spoken to the first wife? No.
His marriage could be satisfactory but due to his desires he will make her sound unloving, and vain.
For all you know she could be loving and doesn't want to share her husband. He has put you in a very difficult position by softening your heart with his tender words so you want to be with him. Be wary!
My advice: Speak to your family. Ask them for their advice.
Before making any major decisions, turn to Allah swt and Pray Salah-tul-Istkhara over a few nights.
Keep a distance from him during Ramadhan, use that time to reflect over matters, pray for guidance from the Almighty rather than him always in your ear telling you to do this and that.
Imam Ghazzali RA
Posted 13 July 2011 - 06:05 PM (#10)
Posted 13 July 2011 - 07:59 PM (#11)
How close we are but still until you not marry or starts living with him then you find out hoe honest he is or he was.
we can pray for you Allah subhan will help you and make all easy for you.
Posted 13 July 2011 - 08:37 PM (#12)
I agree with what the other sisters have already said. As soon as I read the words that this man wants to marry in secret alarm bells went off in my head. Be wary sister. My first husband was charming as pie but also married me in secret because unknown to me he had wife and children in Pakistan. Once he had me the charming mask slipped off. My advice, do not trust anyone who does not want to be open and honest about things. Allah help you to make the right choice for yourself and your child.
Posted 14 July 2011 - 07:02 AM (#13)
Posted 14 July 2011 - 03:07 PM (#14)
SubhanAllah sister, you are a very strong woman, who has been through major difficulty and problems, my heart goes out to you.
I pray that you remain this courageous, and InshaAllah meet a GOOD, HONEST man who will share your life with you proudly, by your side rather than you chasing him. You deserve the best in life, my sweet sister Alvina!
This post has been edited by The-Mughal-Sister: 14 July 2011 - 03:07 PM
Imam Ghazzali RA
Posted 16 July 2011 - 07:53 PM (#16)
also libara...i know he won't hunt for a 3rd wife. he didn't hunt me either. it just happened. i do believe he is an honest and decent individual and i don't think he "preyed" on me. i guess we're just a test for each other and i leave it in allah's hands.
thank you once again.
Posted 17 November 2011 - 09:30 AM (#17)
in these days Polygamy needs to be practicing again, because widows, divorced women facing issue to marry again, in India & Pakistan Divorced male always looking Virgin girls for his 2nd marriage,
Due to living with Hindu’s Polygamy is a big sin in our Society, a wife can not accept 2nd wife, if she knows her husband involve in bad activity (zina etc), she can live with him. But if her husband married with another girl, she can’t accept her. Demanding divorced, etc,
What you people says, on this issue, girls facing problems in getting married, a huge list of girls are living still single, involve in bad activates etc, they blame to the society etc,
Please share your thoughts here:
Posted 08 August 2012 - 10:03 PM (#19)
I am a little concerned about the equity point as it seems he has not made the effort to get along with his wife, something he must do if he says he will never leave her (so hope his intention is not for you to be his more exotic wife while the former is ignored as the dull 'family' wife). The secrecy issue is a concern as when the beans do spill, you don't want his parents and in-laws making life difficult for you. It's important for your future children (if and when that happnes) to have a relationship with their grandparents, uncles and aunties (from father's side).
So the concerns are things on his side, and not about being a second wife.
jarahat al-sinani laha'l-tiyamu ma yaltamu jarahat al-lisani
ei biradar chu 'aqibat khakast, khaak shawesh az ankei khaak shawee
apni millat par qiyas aqwam-e-maghrib sei na kar, khas hei tarkeeb mein qawm-e-Rasool-e-Hashmi